When Phillip and I decided the fall of 2009 that we wanted to start trying for our first child, it was a fairly simple process. Within three months we found out we were expecting our precious Brody. My pregnancy was pretty uneventful and I was blessed in August of 2010 with a healthy baby boy. As far as I knew everything fell in line according to my plan. I had been working for Wrigley as a Sales Rep. for 5 years, and after I took maternity leave I decided to changed courses and become a stay at home mom. We didn't really go by faith when we were trying to get pregnant with Brody, I bought an ovulation kit knew exactly when I could get pregnant and so began the process. That time of trying we were very fortunate to have " our way" work in our favor. We were pretty naive in thinking that this was the way it happened for everyone. We had it all planned out for our future kids, we wanted them all 2-3 years apart ideally ( we made this choice without praying about it, this was purely out of what we thought would be convenient for us).
The summer that Brody was about to turned 2 Phillip and I decided we would start trying for our second child. Once again I had it all planned out ( which is such an idol by the way and is totally the opposite in trusting in God's perfect plan for your life) well four months into it after obsessing over "why didn't this happen in three months like it did with Brody" we became pregnant. I found out on Thanksgiving day of 2012. We were so excited! ( In my crazy planning mind I was also thinking " this will be perfect a baby born in July and if it's a boy he can wear Brody's clothes etc. ) We kept our news fairly quiet only telling a few friends and Phillip's parents. We were waiting to tell my parents until we saw them in person at Christmas.
December 20, 2012 I had my eight week doctor appointment that afternoon. We had a dear friend that offered to keep Brody while we went. As I was laying on the table in the ultrasound room I will never forget the ultrasound tech saying " how far along are you supposed to be?" I said that I was eight weeks ( of course I knew exactly the first day of my last period because of my charting). She said in a concerned tone " ok well the baby is only measuring six weeks and it's heart rate is 65. My heart sunk. I didn't know exactly what this meant but I knew it wasn't good. I remember our first ultrasound with Brody and his healthy heart rate was between 120-150. I will never forget leaving that room, sitting in the waiting room where I started googling " 8 week appointment with a heart rate of 65. The results were devastating. Phillip encouraged me not to jump to conclusions until we talked to our doctor, but we both had a feeling we were not going to get good news.
We were sent back to an exam room to wait on the doctor. When she walked in the look on her face said it all. She just said " I'm so so sorry." She explained that since there was a heart beat that I was to go home and basically wait to miscarry. My heart sunk and I burst into tears. They lead us out a back door so we wouldn't have to walk through the lobby. In that moment as we were walking to the car the verse that came in my head was Jeremiah 29:11 " For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." God spoke to me in that moment and reassured me with that verse that no matter what he was with us, he had great plans for us, we were not forgotten and even though we couldn't see it at the moment he was going to use this situation for his glory.
Here we were a week before Christmas, this is supposed to be the happiest time of the year but for us our world had just ended. Phillip called all of our family and through tears he told them the news. We didn't tell Phillip's sister yet because she was 20 weeks pregnant and finding out the next day what she was having. We didn't want to take away from the joy of her special moment. When we got home our friend Allyson that had been keeping Brody ( which was such a God send) immediately told us that Brody could come home with them and spend the night so Phillip and I could have some time by ourselves. Christmas that year was good getting to be surrounded with a loving wonderful family. It was extremely difficult though because there was for me always a cloud hanging over as I was sitting here with my child inside of me waiting for his/her life to pass. Two weeks after our appointment I still hadn't miscarried. The doctor gave me some medicine which ironically they use in abortions. I started taking this on New Year's eve, it caused a great deal of cramping but still nothing happened.
December 5 we were scheduled for a D & C. My mom came into town to help us with Brody which was more of a blessing than she will ever know. Philip's mom also came into town for a few days to help out because Phillip had to go out of town afterwards for a sales meeting.
So we began to rebuild and start over after all of that happened. I began to cling on to my relationship with God probably more than I ever had. Through daily quiet times I slowly began to heal even though different things would trigger my grief. One of the hardest things to deal with were the numerous good friends and family members that were surrounding us that were pregnant or were having newborn babies. It was very difficult having a constant reminder of something that could have been for us but didn't work out that way. There was an ache any time I would see a pregnant woman at the grocery store, or a pregnant celebrity on a magazine, or a family member or friend. I would think " that was supposed to be me." How come things didn't work out for us? It seems like some people never go through any hard times. On the other end I would feel guilty for not feeling completely happy for good friends and family members that were having children. After all we were fortunate enough to have already been blessed with our sweet Brody. I almost felt selfish at times because I also knew that there were so many people out there that had been through so much worse in this department than we could ever imagine. I knew that we were very blessed, but it was still a very hard time.
My close friend and mentor Wendy told me at one point that I would have to " grieve my plan." At the time I didn't know what that meant but eventually I would find out. I had to grieve the fact that "my plans" weren't going to work out that year. In doing this though it led me to give up my plans and desire God's plans for our lives whatever they may be. Little did I know that they were very far off from my own, which eventually turned out to be a blessing.
After my D & C in January we immediately started trying again hoping and praying that we would get pregnant quickly. It was a long 8 months, lots of praying, hoping, feeling very discouraged, wondering why this was happening to other people and not us, and ultimately wondering if this would ever happen for us again. We tried fertility medicine for two months to regulate my irregular cycle, and the doctor told us if we didn't get pregnant on the third month they would send us to a fertility clinic for more testing. Ultimately they could not figure how why we weren't getting pregnant. Sure enough, Lord willing on the third round on October 3, 2013 we found out we were pregnant! It was a dream come true and God's perfect provision and timing. We were elated!
I went to the doctor, she confirmed the pregnancy, and I started taking blood tests so they could confirm if this pregnancy was going to likely result in another miscarriage. But praise the Lord each time the numbers kept rising confirming a healthy pregnancy! When we went in for our 8 week appointment I was more scared than I have ever been in my life. I felt like I was going to puke. Before we went in I surrendered the situation to the Lord and said " your will be done," even though he knew our desires I was at peace with whatever happened he would continue to provide and take care of us.
First baby bump picture at 4 weeks pregnant!
Our first ultrasound picture at 8 weeks! It was love at first sight for us.
We were elated to hear a healthy heartbeat over 100. It was a great day and a day to praise God and give him thanks for giving us the gift of another healthy child.
We had learned so much through the past year of trying, conceiving, having a miscarriage, waiting, and getting pregnant with a healthy child. The thing we learned the most is that no matter your circumstances God is there period end of story. Even if you don't know the outcome of your story God always has a bigger plan and if you let him he will change you and use you in the midst of your trial. God is good, he is faithful, and we have no control over our lives so we might as well give everything over to him. We were over the moon excited about our precious baby our sweet gift from God!
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